Category: Nonsense

Election Idea: Joke Candidates

The problem with a democracy is that half of any population is below average. Do you really want them having so much power? Election laws that would prevent people from voting on any basis, even intelligence, would be flawed. However, I’ve worked out a system that I believe could truly help the outcomes of America’s elections. The solution is simple: joke candidates.

A joke candidate would be kind of like writing in Mickey Mouse, except that he’d be on the actual ticket! No need to write them in. What’s more, we can pick specific joke candidates and not make it obvious that they’re joke candidates. The Republican Party did this during the last election. Bachmann? Cain? No way were they legitimate candidates. Even the much-loved Ron Paul acts as a lightning rod absorbing a particular kind of crazy within the GOP. With a full slate of nonsensical candidates, the Republican party ensured that only its best and brightest would win since the votes of idiots would be split between the fake outs. Unfortunately, our best and brightest was Mitt Romney.

Now imagine if each year you had about six candidates to choose from. The Republicans can nominate their real candidates. Let’s say Chris Christie. And then they can nominate two joke candidates. How about Ted Nugent and Honey Boo Boo? Then, the Democrats put up their real candidate, Hillary Clinton of course, and two joke candidates: Area 51 and Paula Deen. Now, we don’t tell the public who the real candidates are.

Some of the idiots vote for Ted Nugent because they love America so much they want to shoot it.

Crazy Ted Nugent with a Gun

Other idiots vote for whatever Honey Boo Boo is because she’s on television and they can’t look away.

Honey Boo Boo Child

Then you have idiots voting for Area 51 because they want THE TRUTH!

Warning Signs at Area 51

Some idiots labor under the heavy breathing of heart disease to cast a vote for Paula Deen in hopes of government subsidies of butter.

Paula Deen

And let’s go ahead and throw Seth Rogen in as an Independent. He gets some votes because drugs are cool.

Seth Rogen

Granted, a few morons might still make it through. My system isn’t fool-proof. But it’s more fool-proof than true democracy. And yes, I know we live in a republic, but that doesn’t stop dumb people from electing dumber people. Any form of representative government is only as good as the people being represented. In our case, we’re going to have to make some concessions for the greater good, otherwise we’ll end up with exactly what we deserve. So, I suggest we enact my system, and maybe you have some ideas to further flesh out the concept. Throw a few dummy contenders into the mix to absorb the votes of our most ignorant of our ignorant masses.

Of course, we have to include a caveat that after the election all votes for the joke candidates don’t count. Otherwise we’ll end up with President Honey Boo Boo.

President Honey Boo Boo

Suddenly, Ted Nugent doesn’t seem so crazy. Who are you voting for?

By on Monday, March 4th, 2013 at 10:35 pm | + = this post

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  • Tim McNeil

    I have considered running on a comedy platform. Have done some research on political humor, etc. My only problem is what would I do if I won? OMG! Well I guess I could stand a couple years commuting to DC. I hear the retirement system for Congressmen is great.

  • Rivka Fogel

    I want the TRUTH.